A Tick From the Health Inspector

Australian food packaging standardsI suppose this is a useful feature. I’m not here to drink coffee or relax, because I’m here for work. I’m a food inspector, and I don’t usually sign guestbooks but…it’s a rare time when I’m fairly pleased with what I’m seeing.

The place is kept very clean, no messes on the tables (except straight after customers have made them) and there’s actually a really decent selection of sauces, all of which are in date. I’m a real sauce fan, so I was looking out for that, even in a cafe. I mean, no one’s going to put sauce in their coffee. That would be obscene.

Now, food packaging is usually an area I dread, since it’s almost always done correctly in some way. I have contacts in several food packaging companies in Australia, so I know exactly what is available where, and some folks try to bluff their way out of it by saying that their poor wrapping was the fault of their local company. Usually I have to send them off the a food processing and packing seminar, with the stipulation that they would not be shut down. This time, I was fairly surprised. The owner of the establishment seemed to have taken this seminar already, because the food was perfectly wrapped. In fact, I’m told that the folks who work here are held to a high standard when it comes to wrapping, so I suppose I can give the establishment a check for this one. A rare check indeed.

The rest of the building was fairly in place, though the level of dust on the overhead beams perhaps needed work. I did also find a discarded chocolate log down the back of the refrigerator, but there was no mould to speak of, so perhaps I can overlook it.

Overall, a high rating. I have hope for further Australian food packaging, at least until my next cafe…

-T.B.H.

Beaches, Not All Equal

beauty of LorneIt’s times like this, when I’m really relaxed, that I think about the beach. I grew up in Port Douglas, which is a really tourist-heavy beach town, so I always felt just a little bit above the people who just came there on holiday. I knew every inch of the place, of course. Fortunately I’ve grown up a bit since then, and I can’t really feel superior since I moved all the way down to Melbourne for work. Reaping the consequences of that now that it’s winter…

But here in the café, Johnny’s obviously intending for a kind of nautical theme. I like how the tip jar is shaped like a lighthouse, and the exposed wooden beams really make me think of a sailing ship. My friend still back in Port Douglas told me to go on a beach holiday if I was feeling too homesick. All signs point to Lorne, accommodation luxury and the world class beaches are…sandy. But as sandy and luxury as the whole place is, I doubt it can replicate a Port Douglas winter, which is amazing by the way (hovering around 25, no jellyfish or sharks, clouds are a rarity). But yeah, again, if I was really missing that stuff I wouldn’t have come to Melbourne of all places. Sometimes in life, you have to sacrifice some things, and weather has become one of them for me. I certainly wasn’t finding a real job up there, unless I wanted to work in my friend’s surf and beach trinkets shop. Not that it wouldn’t be fun, but it’s not really a mega career starter. Man, growing up really sucks.

Still, here I am. Better make the most of it, confirm that St Kilda’s beach is really as bad as everyone says it is and then…I dunno, maybe genuinely look into accommodation. My company needs things like Lorne function venues, so I don’t know…maybe I can nudge them into a beach retreat and I can score it all for free. Still, it’s nice that I have a café that reminds me a bit of home. Great coffee, too.

-Noel

The psychology of painting cafes

exterior house paintersJohnny called the painters in. I was rather shocked that he didn’t first consult me about it. He may be the owner but I’m the manager of this cafe, and there’s a reason for that. You can’t just call people in to do renos on the place without first making the relevant considerations. For example, you wouldn’t just go out and get yourself a wedding suit without first considering what the bridesmaids and groomsmen will be wearing, would you? No. As for redecorating and refurbishing a cafe, this is a delicate and complex operation. I mean, our business depends upon the happiness and adoration of our customers. Painters in Melbourne will do a good job no matter what, but you’ve got to know how to direct them. That’s where I come in.

While I was researching about decorating cafes and restaurants, I discovered many interesting facts about colours and the psyche. I’m sure many of you are aware that cool colours create space and calm feelings whereas warm colours produce a cosy vice. Well, it actually goes much deeper than that. Did you know that green has the effect of causing people to crave caffeine? That’s why we have so many plants in the cafe, so that people feel the need to up-size their coffees. And lilac actually makes people hungrier, especially for whole foods and nutritious condiments. We got the exterior house painters based in Melbourne to do facade tangerine, because it has the psychological effect of drawing people in, like bees to the hive.

To think that Johnny was going to go ahead and ok the colours of the painters without these things in mine. He was going to use a dark maroon for the front, which has been shown to deter patronage in bars, cafes and pubs. We would so be out of business right now. 

Our Secretly Famous Guest

specialist makeup coursesA guestbook seemed like a good idea, at first. I know, I’m probably laying it on a bit thick with all the ‘we’re new, tell us all about what we’re doing wrong!’ business, but I really wanted this to be a café of democracy. I have so many more related ideas…you wouldn’t believe how many I’m sitting on. But anyway, the guestbook seemed great until people stopped taking it seriously. Mostly the regulars, I might add, who I’m otherwise very fond of for all the business.

So, back to the drawing board. I still get pretty interesting ones though, since I encourage people to tell me a bit about themselves. One guy came in, polite and friendly and normal looking as anything, but I remember him because he was new. Also, really tall and well-dressed, like…sort of Japanese fashion? Turns out he was a very famous specialist makeup course teacher from Brisbane, down as a special guest for the debut performance of one of his students. Or whatever you call it when a makeup artist makes a debut. It was for that new musical, Wannabes, about that gang in Scotland who are desperately trying to be known as the ‘cool’ kids but keep doing things that make their local community love them instead, because deep down they’re all pretty decent folks. My sister went to see it and she said she was in stitches, so that explains all the hype.

Hearing about a makeup course teacher coming all the way down from Brisbane makes me think of some wise Kung Fu master coming to watch the tournament of his favourite student. Maybe that’s just my imagination running away with me. Still, it’s a fun image. And he was in my café! I looked him up, and you can read about him online. Maybe this is our very first celebrity ever!

So meeting famous beautician course teachers is one really good use of the guestbook, if people actually get to signing it. It’s not as interesting or useful when the regulars leave rude drawings. The public sees this stuff, guys!

-Johnny

The Operatic Office Romance

Usually when I go out to a café, I’m working on my screenplay. It’s gonna be big someday, I’m telling you, but today I was so distracted. I went to see an opera last night, and I got so swept up in the lyrics and story that I’ve been daydreaming ever since. Just something about the way everything was so flawless and blended together really hit me where I live, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

It was one of those modern operas, you know the ones. A man and a woman were separated by their families, who both operated places around Melbourne that did last wills and testaments and everything to do with them. Like, attorneys and lawyers…you know, some of the singing was really hard to understand, with all the warbling. Beautiful warbling, mind you. And then I don’t actually think the Melbourne will scene is quite that cutthroat. I guess they had to amp up the drama, and oh boy, there was SO much drama. Stabbings and verbal jousting and twelve-minute solos about how much they hated each other, which was actually a lot.

Anyway, there were six acts, and throughout all of them this boy and girl met, fell in love, were separated, grew up to take over their family businesses, became bitter business rivals and eventually met while struggling to get the same client, realised that they really were still deeply in love and finished with this 24-minute extravaganza where they defied their families, shut down the business and ran away together.

Ah, man, so epic and glorious…I’ll never forget it. Not sure what actual people in Melbourne who do probates and stuff would think, but it’s such a good opera, maybe they don’t care.

Oh, and, uh…good coffee!

-Jeremy

Racing in for Monday

neon sign made in MelbourneOkay so I know it’s probably just one of those silly things that Johnny does to make us all feel kind of important (and actually just thinking about it, it’s probably a nefarious plot to get us to come into work early) but I can’t help but do it anyway. There’s no way my competitive spirit is ever going to let me back down for this one, and I know my cursive is like a billion times better than Marissa’s. I just have to be the first into work every Monday, because the first person in on a Monday gets to write the menu on the blackboard for the week.

It sounds silly, I know, but it’s kind of fun to just zone out for an hour (believe it or not it usually takes about that long) and just get creative. Sometimes I pretend that I’m working for this massive signwriters company in Melbourne and that writing about ‘krunchy kale’ in spiky green letters is just the beginning of my morning. Not that I have anything against working in a cafe, it’s great and I totally respect people who do it for a living because oh my goodness it is so much work, but I kind of want to do something … I don’t know, I guess, more with my life. Do more than just fetch your soy latte with almond milk every morning, you know? And sign writing, even though it’s nothing more than a chore to most people, is just something completely different I can do with my day. Plus, we have these adorable little magnetic clip on signs saying Melbourne and stuff like that that it’s super fun to throw at the wall. Just to relieve a little bit of the stress about the week ahead.

So yeah, you can bet that I’m the first one to work just about every Monday morning, but it makes me happy, okay? So just let me be.

Nose Full of Sawdust, Lovely

steam cleaningYeah, don’t worry about me. I get allergies, but whatever, just leave the place as it is. I’ll just sneeze all over everyone’s food and serve customers with watery eyes. REAL good look, yeah, totally.

This place is just so dusty! I get that it was renovated pretty recently and there’s still sawdust all over the place. Some people have even said that it gives the place a rustic air…so, whatever floats your boat, but it’s not for me because I have to keep breathing it in and it’s gross. I keep telling Johnny that we should get some steam cleaning. Places in Melbourne that do that sort of thing are absolutely everywhere, and I would know because I’ve lived in like six share houses and you can always get a steam cleaner at a moment’s notice. How do I know that? Oh yeah, because everyone always ditches me and leaves me to take care of the cleaning. Ugh, share houses are just the worst when someone refuses to pull their weight. You know, I don’t think Prue did her share of the vacuuming once. Not even once. How hard is it to pull out the thing and push it back and forth for twenty dang minutes, Prue? No, too busy bringing boyfriend #74 home and smooching on the sofa so none of us can watch TV? Totally fine, don’t worry about it!

Yeah, anyway, this place could be cleaner. I don’t care about rustic; in fact, I can’t understand why anyone would come here to drink coffee when they’re getting a nose full of sawdust every time they breathe in. No one else seems to be having this problem, but I’m an actual employee. I’m more important! So yeah, Melbourne’s finest carpet dry cleaning, please. As soon as possible would be good, lest I go on strike.

-Rose

Working My Way Up the Property Ladder

property agent MelbourneSome people don’t believe in fate. Those people are obviously unaware of how I walked into this place and fell instantly in love with the white chocolate mocha. I’ve read a few books on Greek mythology, and the gods are always eating this thing called ambrosia. That’s pretty much what I imagine that it tastes like to us mortals. So…so…good.

And I can drink it without feeling guilty, because I spend ALL day walking. Perils of being that one real estate agent in the office who jumps at the chance to be useful. I’m new to the job and I’m pretty sure everyone is taking advantage of me, but I don’t care. I’m scurrying all around the place, meeting new people, seeing new places and life is great. Truth be told, I’m trying to live up to my Grandmother. Weird thing to say, I know. But she was one of Melbourne’s first property advocates, people who help other people buy homes (but not in the same way as a real estate agent). She was a true pioneer in the field, and since people hadn’t even heard of the service before then, the business didn’t really pick up for years. But she kept plugging on! And I guess Grandpa was a good sport about the whole thing, working his ordinary job while she tried to be a career woman and didn’t bring in any income to support the family. They were a persistent generation, surely. But now that people respect the profession, it’s something I feel like I really want to do. I have the genes for it! But for now, i have to work my way up. So that’s why I walk so much, spend most of the day in my feet and come back to the cafe all battered, bruised and ready for the white-chocolate mocha of my dreams. I’ve EARNED it. And I’m pretty sure the Melbourne buyers advocates of today still do a lot of walking- most of their job is looking at properties- so hopefully I can continue the habit once I’m at the top of the ladder. They’re so good, you guys…

-Martin

Oxygen or Coffee?

oxygen therapy MelbourneIf things keep up like this, I’m going to need some more staff. Didn’t expect the cafe to blast off quite like this, but I’m not complaining! Again, maybe it’s just new. I’m learning on the job, as well…so it’s probably just a matter of time until I spill sugar in someone’s food and the place gets shut down. Ah well…it was nice while it lasted.

You’d be surprised how long the simple things take when they’re being set up. Everyone kept telling me to go into something like deep-fried ice-cream, or an oxygen bar. Something new and hip. Apparently hyperbaric chamber places in Melbourne are the rage right now, or…something. Not that I have incredibly high standards, but maybe I do, and I wanted to stick to it being a cafe. Actually, yeah, I just have really high standards.

Plus, I like to make coffee. I’m no expert on oxygen therapy, and I’m not going off to do some study so I can open a shop where people come and get oxygen. I’m sure there are places in the city that offer that service…meanwhile, I’m filling a niche.

Anyway, I’m rambling on about oxygen. All I know is how to protect things with layers of glad wrap. Though also, most of our food is made fresh either to order or that morning, so it’s not like I’m just hoarding the lemon slice for weeks on end. My food packaging skills are pretty great, so it’s not like I couldn’t. But I don’t.

So that’s another long and boring story of how this place got started, and how it could’ve perfect for oxygen therapy, Melbourne’s finest even. Almost, but not quite. Tune in next week to hear how I managed to win over the lady who owns the wool shop next door, even though there was so much noisy renovation over the last few months. She’s just a lovely old dear.

-Johnny

Does Johnny like roses?

brindabella rosesI’m in love with Johnny. He won me over with the very first sip of his delightful coffee. Then I realised how spunky he is and I was head over heels. I notices that he’s been getting into plants a lot lately. He’s been putting pots of herbs and flowers around in the cafe which I think is  a charming idea and also just makes me love him all the more. So I decided that maybe I could get to his heart by giving him some flowers.

I’ve been looking at roses for sale on the internet but I don’t know if Johnny likes roses. Plus I’m thinking that maybe I’m subverting the gender roles too much by giving a guy some flowers. This would be particularly obvious if I give him classic flowers like roses. So if I’m going to do something really geeky like that perhaps I should opt for some less conventional flowers. Like tulips or daffodils. But no, they’re too feminine. I need more masculine flowers like perhaps hellebores, something darker and woodier.

Then again, roses can be masculine if you choose the right ones. You wouldn’t go with iceberg roses, perhaps something with a rich colour like brindabella roses. I’m going to plant them and grow them myself so that they really come from the heart. I’m sure he’ll notice the difference compared to the store bought ones. There’s always something wrong with them when you get them from the florist. Like they’ll have some of their petals gnawed at the edge or they won’t have any scent. That’s the trapping with florist-bought roses and flowers. I mean, the first thing anyone does when they receive flowers is smell them! But all the flowers at the florist completely lack scent. That’s why it’s much better to grow them yourself. Plus they mean more than they come from your garden.