Wedding Car Service

The last thing I wanted to happen today was to have car trouble. Unfortunately, that was all I could expect after neglecting my annual general service and doing none of the regular maintenance checks (I didn’t even check my windshield wiper blades or coolant levels).

It was only a matter of time before the car refused to turn on. I just really didn’t want it to be the day before my sister’s wedding. I know that I should have taken better care to understand why the check engine light turned on. But I was already running late to the reception, and what was a few more kilometres on the road?

The answer: a day spent stuck on the side of the road with an overheating engine.

After speaking to a local mechanic near Morayfield, I was able to understand the severity of the issue. Despite the fantastic customer service and friendly staff, my day was ruined. I should have kept up with my car’s maintenance more regularly. I hadn’t cared for the resale value, but I had never realised that it could mean getting stuck without a car for an extended period of time.

Luckily, they had a professional who could fix the problem with my transmission service within the day. Problem was, the wedding was tomorrow. What was I supposed to do? The thought of calling my sister made my heart race. I could already envision the scolding she would give me if she found out.

With my heart in my throat, I made a decision. I was getting to that wedding, no matter the cost. Reminding myself to know how to take better care of my car in the future, I booked a replacement vehicle. 

It took an overnight drive, more than a few cups of service station coffees, and a lifetime of staring down empty highways, but I made it to the wedding in time. My sister, whilst upset that I missed the reception, was more relieved that I had shown up for the big event. 

From then on, I swore to always make sure I was prepared for the next wedding. Luckily, I didn’t have any more siblings.

School Gate Orthotics

​​I dropped Danny off at school like I always did on a Monday morning, watching him walk up the short path and past the gate. His teacher was stationed there today, in the bright-yellow vest that they made them all wear when they were on gate-duty for some reason. She saw Danny and looked up, waving at me as well. I smiled and waved back. She was good for him, this year – much better than the old toad they’d lumped him in with in Grade 3.

         I turned the key, firing the engine back up, and closed my eyes as the radio drifted on again. I love this song, I thought to myself, as an objectively bad pop tune drifted towards me, a strange mix of electronic bass and acoustic guitar.

         I nearly jumped out of my compression stockings when someone tapped on my window.

         It was Danny’s teacher, waving at me apologetically from the other side of the glass. Fixing a smile on to avoid showing my annoyance, I rolled the window down.

         ‘Sorry, Jan,’ the young woman smiled at me. ‘I didn’t mean to frighten you!’

         ‘Not at all,’ I said through gritted teeth. ‘What’s wrong? Is Danny okay?’

         ‘Oh, yes, he got in safe and sound,’ she said. ‘But I did notice that he looked like he was walking uncomfortably?’

         I frowned. Had he been? Was I a terrible mother for not noticing?

         ‘Those are new shoes,’ I half-lied – they were on their third month. ‘He might be breaking them in.’

         ‘Oh, okay,’ she nodded, biting her lip. ‘It’s just…’


         ‘I know a great podiatrist, where I take my own little one actually. They have a great range of children’s orthotics options. Near Cheltenham, just off the freeway.’

         ‘Right,’ I frowned. ‘We have a different podiatrist, but thank you.’

         ‘Oh, okay,’ she smiled weakly. ‘Just wanted to—’

         ‘I appreciate it,’ I cut her off. ‘Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get to work.’        

‘Of course,’ she nodded. ‘Have a great day!’

Northern Glass Install

My buddy Phil, he’s got this small-time electrical business, right? Runs it out of his mum’s garage, see? He don’t live there no more, of course – Phil’s a man who made himself by himself, you get it? But his mum doesn’t have a car or nothing, so she lets him use the space for his little electrical business, you see? Of course, she don’t want nothing for it, and of course, Philly ain’t never gonna take advantage of nobody’s ma – least of all his own. So he slips her some cash whenever she’s not looking, does odd jobs around the house and whatnot. He’s a good kid, Phil.

But why am I telling you about my buddy Phil? Well, you see Philly went and got himself in a bad spot with some tight fellas (or is that the other way around?). So he comes to me; says I can help.

How can I help? I ask him. This is your problem, I tell him. Deal with it, right?

Well, Phil goes away, long enough that we start to worry he’s been sent to the professional glazier in the Melbourne area – the great big glasshouse up north, you copy?

But Philly comes back, spring in his step, flower in his hair. You’ll never believe it, he tells us, joy stretching his big dumb face. I’m married! he tells us. 

We don’t believe him, the schmuck, but we start with the back-slapping and the shoulder-tapping – it’s a real love-fest, alright?

But Philly? I eventually asks him – what about those boys down from Melbourne who were looking to install a new glass balustrade in your home, if you know what we’re saying?

He did indeed know what we were saying.

What do you think I’ve been doing?! he laughs. That’s who I went and got married to!

And he turns around, introducing us to one of them tight fellas I was telling you about earlier – the two are hitched. Philly’s a made man – and protected.

Ah, Philly. Always did know how to deal with a problem.

Renovation Report

The Cloud Kingdom was astir as the cloud people prepared for battle. Princess Plum and Marion arrived with the penguin child just before sundown, heading straight toward the cloud castle, hoping to find the Ice Kingdom refugees there.

It was clear that the kingdom had received word that Trowser and his turtle minions would be attacking the Cloud Kingdom next, once they were done with the Conveyancing Kingdom.

They had no trouble entering the castle, given that everyone knew Princess Plum by appearance alone. After a few minutes, they reached the throne room, where Princess Precipitation paced about frantically. In the corner of the room, Princess Plum noticed two penguins, who immediately came forward at the sight of Arabelle with them.

Once the penguin family was reunited, Princess Precipitation looked across the room. “What news from the Renovation Kingdom, Plum?”

“Well,” started Princess Plum, “they’ll need more than a simple bathroom remodel by a professional renovation company, to put it briefly.”

“That bad, huh?”

Princess Plum nodded. So many bathroom, kitchen and laundry renovations completely destroyed. All the hard work by countless renovation experts and bathroom designers – gone in the blink of an eye.

“Our intel suggests that Trowser will be coming here next, once his army is done with the Conveyancing Kingdom.” Princess Precipitation crossed her arms. “We are running out of time to prepare. It won’t take long for the beast to crush our defences and take our power stars. If the best bathroom design team from Melbourne couldn’t stop Trowser, what hope do we have?”

“You have to try,” said Princess Plum. “Once the Cloud Kingdom falls, Trowser will go for the Fungus Kingdom next. How much time do you need to prepare a proper defence?”

“Look, we’re not replacing a bathroom sink here. We’d need at least a day.”

Princess Plum considered. “I think we can get you that. Marion and I will head to the Conveyancing Kingdom immediately and do whatever we can to slow Trowser and his minions down.”

Princess Precipitation sighed. “Good luck. We’re all counting on you.”

Auto Electrician Needed

So, I didn’t make my promotion meeting. My bosses said they could only wait until the afternoon and then if I didn’t make it in time I’d have to postpone it to a later date. I got to the office five minutes after five, and they said we’d have to reschedule. No one at my work ever finishes work at five like we’re supposed to, so it really irked me that they refused to have a meeting with me. They stayed at work for another two hours. They definitely could have sat down with me.

I didn’t make it in time because the problems with my car were a lot worse than I thought originally. In fact, I needed extensive car repairs. Local to Cambridge, there aren’t many car workshops around so it also took ages to get my car to a workshop that had the tools to fix it. Apparently my car needed a special new car part to be able to work properly. I don’t really understand any of the specifics. If I’m being honest, I wasn’t listening. 

What I do know is that to do the car repairs and install the new part, I needed an expert auto electrician. In the Cambridge area, auto electricians are highly sought after, so once I arrived at the workshop, I then had to wait two hours for help. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, because I’m not, but it is kind of annoying. We need more auto electricians to move to Cambridge so that there aren’t such long wait times. The guy who fixed my car this afternoon did a great job so I’d go back to him, and then hopefully with a surplus of auto electricians I wouldn’t have to wait so long again.

I don’t know when my rescheduled promotion meeting will be. My bosses aren’t going to make it easy for me to get another meeting with them.

Rookie Drain Unblocking

And we’re back! I’m Sue Ridge, and this is my co-host Shannon Gardiner. We’re excited to announce that we’re just moments away from the beginning of Melbourne’s Annual Drain Unblocking Competition! I’m almost shaking with anticipation, Shannon! How are you feeling?

Oh, Sue! I can hardly contain myself. I can’t wait to see which of these hunks is going to channel their inner-plumber – remember they aren’t allowed to actually be plumbers to enter the competition – and completely tear apart the competition! Like I said before the break, my money’s on Heath. I could watch him do drain repairs in the Brighton area, or any suburb for that matter, all day!

Great analysis, Shannon. It really is an exciting time. It’s time that we’re quiet now though, the twelve contestants are stepping up to their blocked drains. Just like every other year, they get ten minutes to assess the situation before they start doing any unclogging or unblocking. There’s always a couple of contestants who go early and get confused midway through because they didn’t give it enough forethought. I wonder who that’ll be this year. Let’s see.

Oh no! Not Heath! I can’t believe it. He looked at his blocked drain for about a second and now he’s reaching for a crowbar. Doesn’t he know that if you’re doing a drain replacement near Melbourne, a crowbar isn’t the best tool for the job?! I’m legally not allowed to say what the best tool is in case one of the contestants overhears me and gets a competitive advantage over the other contestants. But I can tell the audience watching that a crowbar is not the best place to start.

Shannon! You’re not even allowed to say that! We’re supposed to comment on what’s happening, not offer any of our own opinions. Just because it’s Heath that has jumped the gun early doesn’t give you any right to go off script. Now, let’s go back to the action… I see that Darren has started off well. Okay, we’ll be quiet now while the action happens.

Weird foot skin

I’m an absolute TV fanatic and I remember hearing this hilarious, but also stupid, joke in one episode about athlete’s foot. Basically, Jerry was trying to work multiple comedy clubs in one night before making it to a movie with his friends. He was in a rush to catch the movie in time but the comedy clubs kept screwing his time slots around. There’s this one-off character who appears in this episode and he is an aspiring comedian who has this joke about his dad having athlete’s foot and then he comes out with the line ‘and believe me, he’s no athlete’. Jerry then shrugs the character off and makes his way to his next set. I don’t know why I find this line so funny. Maybe because it’s so true? You hear the term athlete’s foot but then you see the people who get it and they’re not always athletes. It’s always your mum, your dad, your grandparent, or that kid at school who has it. Now, I’m not sure if I’m just a massive hypochondriac but since watching that episode I keep thinking I’ve got signs of athlete’s foot. I’ve since noticed that my foot feels unbearably itchy and in some sections has very red flaking skin. Throughout the day I’ll be scratching it senselessly and then from scratching it there will be an extremely painful burning sensation.

I’ve done some research online about this and many sites suggest that I purchase an antifungal cream as these symptoms are caused by a fungal infection. I ended up finding a tube of antifungal cream in my bathroom cabinet but I think I will also book an appointment with the podiatrist. Cheltenham has a few beaches nearby so I’m curious if it was the beach water I touched while walking my dogs the other day that could have caused this. I guess I’ll have to wait and see what the podiatrist says. Hopefully the cream can help ease the desire to itch. It’s been distracting me at work and anytime I have to do something.

University of Conveyancing

I thought it was a bit weird that they created a university just for conveyancing, but I suppose that it is a very important service. It’s a legal practice, though, so I’m not sure why they didn’t just make a university for law instead. The school is so niche that I decided to apply and see what it is like, even though I don’t want to study conveyancing. If I didn’t like it, I could always drop out before the census date. So, here’s my review of the brand new University of Conveyancing.

For my first and only semester, I took three classes, as is fairly normal for a university course. My mandatory classes were History of Conveyancing and Conveyancing Firm Placement. The placement class would involve six weeks of preparation before taking on an internship doing conveyancing. Brighton and a few other suburbs are possible conveyancing locations, which sounded pretty good. I’ve heard that conveyancing in the Bayside area is a great job to have. For my elective, I took Sound Engineering just for something a bit different. I’m not sure why they even offer a sound engineering class at a conveyancing university, but whatever. 

I’ve just completed the sixth week of my course, and I must admit that it has been brilliant so far. I feel like I really know so much about conveyancing already. This isn’t what I wanted to do for a job, but maybe I should actually keep studying and become a conveyancer. The census date is tomorrow, and the thought of missing out on placement actually makes me kind of sad. I wonder if the conveyancing firm close to Carlton has heard of the University of Conveyancing.

I’ve enjoyed this course so far, and I didn’t even want to do conveyancing as a career. Now I know all about vendor’s statements and the Conveyancers Act 2006. If you’re looking to work as a conveyancer, I definitely recommend studying here.

Conveyancers Missing

Why is it so hard to find a good conveyancer these days? Actually, it’s pretty much impossible to find a conveyancer at all, now that I think about it. I’ve been searching far and wide for someone who can help me with the legal side of purchasing a house, but it seems that all of the conveyancers have left the planet. Did their alien friends come to pick them up, perhaps?

I feel like I have searched everywhere, but I can’t find any conveyancing lawyers no matter how hard I look. Where have they all gone? I’ve looked under rocks, in stadiums, around parks and even near the beach, but they are nowhere to be found. I even tried searching through all of Melbourne’s trash bins, to no avail. It just doesn’t make any sense.

There used to be a really good conveyancing firm around Elwood, which I used for my last house purchase, but the building has simply vanished now. How is that even possible? And of course, I have to keep searching blindly, because as my mentor once said, “A good conveyancer is hard to find. The harder to find they are, the better the experience will be.” Who am I to question the wise words of my former master? Thus, my search shall continue.

I’m thinking that I will go into the CBD next and have a look around there. Perhaps all of the conveyancers have simply decided to move their businesses (and their buildings) into the city. I think that would be pretty hard for them, given the amount of competition they would have, but who knows how conveyancers truly think. Either way, I hope that I can find one soon because I really need help buying this house I’ve got my eyes on.

I just hope that they haven’t all moved to Mars or something. That would be an annoyance of the highest order.

– George

Time to Hide

March 32nd, 2023.

I have managed to avoid the time hunters once again, although it was close. I did not see through their disguises until the last moment. It was, admittedly, clever of them to take on the guise of conveyancing lawyers. They haven’t done that before. I’ll be more careful this time, however.

Because of how time travel works, I have no doubt that Amanda and Jackie have already arrived at this date and have begun to look for me. There is no time to rest, for they are relentless. I hope that I have thrown off the scent by changing my search. I’m no longer looking to buy a house in Malvern. Instead, I am looking to buy a house in Collingwood, and will hence need conveyancing lawyers around Collingwood. I don’t have a specific house in mind, but just need to purchase one in the general area. As a result, I will be visiting a variety of conveyancing lawyers over the next couple of days, provided I can avoid Amanda and Jackie.

I don’t understand why they’re so adamant about catching me. I’m not going to do anything to mess with the space-time continuum. The organisation they work for just hates there being a time traveller they can’t control. Well, Mr Manager can try all he wants, but there’s nothing he or his goons can do to stop me from finding conveyancing solicitors who will help me with my house hunt.

Why do I even want to buy a house, when I’m originally from the year 2115? Well, I’ve heard that the early to mid-2020s was the absolute peak of humanity. I just want to experience it for myself, rather than learning about it in my history class. That’s why I learned to time travel on the depths of the internet, from somebody who left the Organisation of Time Travellers. If I can just shake those bounty hunters, I’ll be free to enjoy the 2020s for a few years, before heading back to write up my history report.

– Benjamin