Look, yeah, nice cafe you got here. I’m sure it’ll be really popular or whatever. But can we just talk about my wife for a moment? I was a bit apprehensive about this whole marriage thing, but I guess I got suckered into the whole ‘romantic’ thing. And yeah, being able to work with two incomes is something I can get used to, even if we’re supposed to be making all the decisions together, or…whatever. Something like that, anyway.

But I need my satellite TV. You don’t understand, we live all the way out in the boondocks because we couldn’t afford anything else. It’s just within the limits of Melbourne, digital antenna installation is still on the table, but our internet is just awful. So I can’t just get myself some sweet Neat-Flicks, because the screen just turns into a mass of pixels and it’s so buggy you’d think I needed an exterminator. So yeah, digital TV is all I’ve got, and the missus won’t let me get it at home. Too expensive, she says. It’ll take away from our relationship and hurt our chances of saving for kids, and that’s just something I don’t want to even think about. The only place around me that has satellite TV is Johnny’s, and that’s not near me exactly…I just drop in here on my lunch breaks and on the way back from work. It keeps me sane for now, but I’m running out of DVDs at home, normal television is just garbage (except People Who Are Just Lovely About Each Other’s Baking– didn’t think I’d be into that, but it’s surprisingly addictive) and I seriously can’t just read a book. Books are for losers.

So I need me some tv antennas. Anywhere in Melbourne who can help me out? Yeah, just…help a brother out in need? I can pay you in mateship, which is really the greatest gift of all.

-Damien