I know plants like I know my own children, except better. As in, I know plants much better. I’d be pretty okay with forgetting my third daughter’s name if it meant that I could just keep that one particular genus in my head…oh, I keep forgetting and it’s infuriating!

So you could say I know trees. Tree planting, tree pruning, tree harvesting, even tree removal. Melbourne is so full of a great number of wonderful species, but I won’t say I’m utterly against the practice of removing those that are no longer serving a purpose. Even those who might not be serving their purpose all that well…a bit like those awful things lining the walkway outside the cafe. Firs have had their hay-day, and they have a certain rustic charm, but I’m sorry, they just need to go. Really, they need to go, right now. Not only are they prone to looking just horrible in the winter, they’re havens for spiders and all kinds of nasty little things. I’m not surprised if people are turned away from the cafe every day by a web to the face. I’m not just being put off by my intense dislike of spiders, either. Firs really are so very low-class in the tree world. I should know; my copy of Tree Monthly gets sent to my door every month, and I pore through its pages with such intense interest that sometimes I forget to make food for my family. One time I even told the youngest one, whatever his name is, that he needs to learn photosynthesis so he can go get his own food. I’d mixed things up in my head, but thinking back to the incident later, there might actually be something in that idea…

Doesn’t matter. What’s at hand are those ugly firs outside my favourite cafe. I’ve left customer suggestion cards in the box, but what i really need to do is leave the number of the best tree lopping company in Melbourne that I can think of. Do it for the trees. That is, the trees, that’ll be planted in the place of those dreary firs.

-Mabelline