Initial impressions: the food menu could be more expansive. A chic café needs decent coffee, first and foremost, and this place does seem to have that one down. Still, the next thing I want to see are some actual lunch options. The cakes look rather nice, the slices adequate, and I’ve spied a few menu items that could pass for brunch. I’m not saying every nice café needs to double as a restaurant, but as a food critic, I know quite a bit about what people want, and the flavour of the month is brunch. Brunch, everywhere! Eggs benedict, quiche Lorraine, light sandwiches and wraps! COUSCOUS!!

I can’t help being critical; it’s my job. And when I’m nitpicking this much, it’s a good sign. I just came all the way from Frankston, and…oh my days. Such things I have seen in some of those seaside cafes. I wish I’d had business cards for all the places that did pest control in Frankston, because I could’ve saved myself the trouble of actually tasting anything. No soggy sausage rolls or watery coffee; I could’ve just dropped the pest control card, given the manager a pointed look and walked out.

I’m no health and safety inspector, of course, but part of the food critic’s job is to assess the surroundings. You can be served the most beautiful vanilla slice in the world, but if the table is covered in crumbs and there’s slime leaking from the walls, it all means nothing. A couple of places genuinely needed pest control- not because of rats, fortunately- but there shouldn’t be the slightest hint of a creepy-crawly in the house, and I saw several. Ants, spiders…and that’s just the first wave. A crowd attracts a crowd, as they say. You have to get on those pest problems early.

Maybe that’s an option. I’m off to Rosebud next. Perhaps I need to scout out the Rosebud pest control services, procure some cards and…well, it’ll just save time on a clearly hopeless visit. Savage.

-Leon

Hey there, and welcome to the grand opening of Johnny’s Café Blog! I wanted this to be a little bit different to your usual café, hence why we have this forum for everyone to log in and speak their mind. There’s free WiFi in the café, of course! So, I’m Johnny and I guess I’d better start things off, and maybe set the tone.

It’s been a long time in the making, this café. A lot of soul-searching and I finally decided that I wanted to go ahead with it, so here we are! Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but the premises were a dump when I bought them. Seriously, I had Mornington pest control people in here on the very first day, because that was how bad the termite problem was. Sad thing was, it was all due to neglect, and the place was obviously pretty nice before the previous tenant left the animal kingdom to take care of things. So termite control aside (I have no experience in pest extermination) , I was determined to sort out the place. Oh, and buying the place was still pretty expensive, and I was on a budget.

And so, avoiding all the termites, I plunged into the heart of the chaos with my trusty saw and measuring tape. I had a lifetime of experience, also…my family used to live in a very rural area, and my Dad was a bit of a wilderness enthusiast. It was a real log cabin sort of deal. So yeah, I learned so many things, except for insect control because…I don’t know, maybe Dad dealt with that? Hey, those are some dangerous chemicals. I didn’t want to be spraying my future café with anything that might be harmful. It took two years of work, but now people consistently say that the décor is one of their favourite things. Hope you all enjoy…and don’t worry. Thanks to the Mornington termite inspection people having my back, you won’t find a single bug in the entire place!

-Johnny