A guestbook seemed like a good idea, at first. I know, I’m probably laying it on a bit thick with all the ‘we’re new, tell us all about what we’re doing wrong!’ business, but I really wanted this to be a café of democracy. I have so many more related ideas…you wouldn’t believe how many I’m sitting on. But anyway, the guestbook seemed great until people stopped taking it seriously. Mostly the regulars, I might add, who I’m otherwise very fond of for all the business.

So, back to the drawing board. I still get pretty interesting ones though, since I encourage people to tell me a bit about themselves. One guy came in, polite and friendly and normal looking as anything, but I remember him because he was new. Also, really tall and well-dressed, like…sort of Japanese fashion? Turns out he was a very famous specialist makeup course teacher from Brisbane, down as a special guest for the debut performance of one of his students. Or whatever you call it when a makeup artist makes a debut. It was for that new musical, Wannabes, about that gang in Scotland who are desperately trying to be known as the ‘cool’ kids but keep doing things that make their local community love them instead, because deep down they’re all pretty decent folks. My sister went to see it and she said she was in stitches, so that explains all the hype.

Hearing about a makeup course teacher coming all the way down from Brisbane makes me think of some wise Kung Fu master coming to watch the tournament of his favourite student. Maybe that’s just my imagination running away with me. Still, it’s a fun image. And he was in my café! I looked him up, and you can read about him online. Maybe this is our very first celebrity ever!

So meeting famous beautician course teachers is one really good use of the guestbook, if people actually get to signing it. It’s not as interesting or useful when the regulars leave rude drawings. The public sees this stuff, guys!

-Johnny

Yeah, don’t worry about me. I get allergies, but whatever, just leave the place as it is. I’ll just sneeze all over everyone’s food and serve customers with watery eyes. REAL good look, yeah, totally.

This place is just so dusty! I get that it was renovated pretty recently and there’s still sawdust all over the place. Some people have even said that it gives the place a rustic air…so, whatever floats your boat, but it’s not for me because I have to keep breathing it in and it’s gross. I keep telling Johnny that we should get some steam cleaning. Places in Melbourne that do that sort of thing are absolutely everywhere, and I would know because I’ve lived in like six share houses and you can always get a steam cleaner at a moment’s notice. How do I know that? Oh yeah, because everyone always ditches me and leaves me to take care of the cleaning. Ugh, share houses are just the worst when someone refuses to pull their weight. You know, I don’t think Prue did her share of the vacuuming once. Not even once. How hard is it to pull out the thing and push it back and forth for twenty dang minutes, Prue? No, too busy bringing boyfriend #74 home and smooching on the sofa so none of us can watch TV? Totally fine, don’t worry about it!

Yeah, anyway, this place could be cleaner. I don’t care about rustic; in fact, I can’t understand why anyone would come here to drink coffee when they’re getting a nose full of sawdust every time they breathe in. No one else seems to be having this problem, but I’m an actual employee. I’m more important! So yeah, Melbourne’s finest carpet dry cleaning, please. As soon as possible would be good, lest I go on strike.

-Rose

If things keep up like this, I’m going to need some more staff. Didn’t expect the cafe to blast off quite like this, but I’m not complaining! Again, maybe it’s just new. I’m learning on the job, as well…so it’s probably just a matter of time until I spill sugar in someone’s food and the place gets shut down. Ah well…it was nice while it lasted.

You’d be surprised how long the simple things take when they’re being set up. Everyone kept telling me to go into something like deep-fried ice-cream, or an oxygen bar. Something new and hip. Apparently hyperbaric chamber places in Melbourne are the rage right now, or…something. Not that I have incredibly high standards, but maybe I do, and I wanted to stick to it being a cafe. Actually, yeah, I just have really high standards.

Plus, I like to make coffee. I’m no expert on oxygen therapy, and I’m not going off to do some study so I can open a shop where people come and get oxygen. I’m sure there are places in the city that offer that service…meanwhile, I’m filling a niche.

Anyway, I’m rambling on about oxygen. All I know is how to protect things with layers of glad wrap. Though also, most of our food is made fresh either to order or that morning, so it’s not like I’m just hoarding the lemon slice for weeks on end. My food packaging skills are pretty great, so it’s not like I couldn’t. But I don’t.

So that’s another long and boring story of how this place got started, and how it could’ve perfect for oxygen therapy, Melbourne’s finest even. Almost, but not quite. Tune in next week to hear how I managed to win over the lady who owns the wool shop next door, even though there was so much noisy renovation over the last few months. She’s just a lovely old dear.

-Johnny

Have you ever thought of hiring out this place for private functions? I just think it’d be a great idea, what with everything being so…well, you know. The decor is nice, and shoving all the tables to one side would give you a great little bit of space to do whatever with. And in this area of Melbourne? You’ve pretty much got the monopoly. Heck, I didn’t even think that they’d even have a nice cafe, but here we are. I’m sitting in it right now. Just look at that, eh?

So anyway, these private function rooms. Most are in the Melbourne CBD, at least the really nice ones, for what I’ve seen at our company events. That’s nice and all, because…well, the CBD is central. That’s why they call it that. The Central Business District. Very convenient, all there in the title. But what if you didn’t want something quite so central? Like, way out here, for instance. People wouldn’t have to travel quite so much, you have the nice wooden beams and then there’s a coffee machine right there, so if people wanted coffee…someone could make them a coffee. Not that many people are into coffee in the evenings, you know? It’s a time for tea, since tea has the same amount of caffeine but you don’t actually consume the beans like in coffee (and they’re leaves) so it’s not so bad. Basically, all you’d need are some really good tea leaves and you’re set, though some canapes and general finger food wouldn’t go awry. Maybe a really decent sound system, a proper set of speakers…and yep, one of Melbourne’s greatest party venues is all set up, right here, ready to go! All the way out here, no one would have to travel. And then you could open after hour, and everyone would think it was just the best. Or hey, how about making it a nightclub? People love nightclubs. Especially nightclubs with really great coffee.

-Deon

Hey all, Johnny again! Thanks for coming, thanks for using the digital guestbook and thanks most of all for spreading the word! I didn’t know the cafe would take off like it did, but it might be because it’s all shiny and new. I suppose I did find a sort of niche. Let’s see if it keeps going!

We’ve had some great suggestions here as well, such as making sure the coffee grinder is positioned on the other side of the counter so that it’s not right next to the table and thus grinding in someone’s ear. Thanks Amanda for that one! Together, I hope we can really make Johnny’s Cafe a place you can call a second home.

Another great suggestion: name badges! Custom ones, specifically. I’ve ummed and ah’d about this for so long, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to spare any expense when it comes to making the place homely. There’s no use going for an ugly, cheap lamp and telling yourself that you’ll upgrade to something a bit nicer later. Because then you’ve just bought something twice. If I have the means I’ll do it to make people feel at home, and sure, I also just really like the idea of all my staff having some nice name tags. I’ve been filtering through designs and I’m thinking of taking it up with the customers. Maybe I’ll have a few jars out the front, and everyone can drop a bottle cap into the one they like. Currently, I think I’m leaning towards a coffee bean-themed name badge with the person’s preferred name in the middle, but obviously this is all up for suggestions. There are even a few that light up, but that might be a little bit distracting, maybe for nightclubs and nowhere else. Anyhow, those jars should be up in a few days, after which feel free to cast your vote!! Or look up some name badges online and shoot me some suggestions. You know where I’ll be.

-Johnny